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Awesome! I'd love to see it with those modifications.

Re: Phreakers by NagirosNagiros, 19 Feb 2019 17:26

Thanks for the crit! I definitely can see why the Water Tower Incident would be cliched in this kind of writing (it was ghoooooOOOO000OOOOooosts!). The suggestion seems good as the encounter does iterate on things we already know from the rest of the article so I see that perspective of the log not adding much. I will continue drafting that section and change the beginning to fit tonally with the rest of the article.

Re: Phreakers by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 19 Feb 2019 16:50

I really love the idea, but you may want to demonstrate things like benevolent spirits contacting family in encounter logs. The water tower transcript doesn’t add much to the story that I can see. It’d be interesting for the article to set up these possessive spirits and then subvert the reader’s expectations by making them understandable. At least, some of them understandable, anyways. Maybe an outfit attempting to exorcise what they think is an evil spirit but ending up helping it contact its living family?

Also, I’m a fan of the narrative opening, but the line about the other side seems a bit too on the nose for me.

Re: Phreakers by NagirosNagiros, 19 Feb 2019 14:12

I cranked up the chills factor a bit and went hard into the writing and immersion. Definitely check out the Aftermath collapsible. Phreakers Tab

Phreakers by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 19 Feb 2019 10:08
Hot SpringsHot Springs 19 Feb 2019 06:15
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Ore Vermis

This really made me feel tingles. Odd grammar here and there did bring me out of the story for a bit but it's nothing a little polish can't handle. Ore Vermis kind of reminds me of another teeth-type parasite except instead of the brain, this one infect the other end of the body :)

by Hot SpringsHot Springs, 19 Feb 2019 06:15

I was also suggested to make them random wandering occurences, as well as set ones to up the mystery and danger factor. I will work on and apply these changes. Thanks Buckley.

Re: Occulens Rays by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 19 Feb 2019 06:02

Maybe have the rays moving as if it had sentience; as if its actively searching for victims. Keep the same length of time and most everything else the Aberrant has going for it. But this is just my opinion maybe other critics may view it as a Black Threat Level

Re: Occulens Rays by War Time BuckleyWar Time Buckley, 19 Feb 2019 05:11

It may need a rework. I initially critiqued that it should focus on the Chimera as a group of beings, and have Evie Walker be part of the background section. I was hoping for additional perspectives on it during the drafting phase.

by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 19 Feb 2019 04:24
NagirosNagiros 18 Feb 2019 20:15
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Ore Vermis

Although the abberation itself is horrifying and unique, you still have quite a few syntactical oddities in your writing that bring the quality down quite a bit. I’d be willing to help you go through the article for them, if you’re interested.

by NagirosNagiros, 18 Feb 2019 20:15

The poor quality of writing in this article doesn’t help how it begins by introducing a teenage, female pyromancer as an OC. I’d very much like to see this rewritten, with attention to grammar and spelling as well as a focus on the aberration itself, instead of the Chimeras it creates.

That being said, I appreciate the relative volume of the article. There’s something substantive here that can be worked with in a rewrite.

by NagirosNagiros, 18 Feb 2019 17:14

Definitely a fair point. Any suggestions on upping its danger value? I assumed disintegration with light lasers was dangerous. Maybe up the chance of occurences?

Re: Occulens Rays by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 16 Feb 2019 08:16

Just wanted to say that this was a good read but I do have one minor issue with this Aberration.

I feel as if it shouldn't be a threat level black. Only on the grounds that with it just being light and only happening in just remote areas with dense foliage, with it only lasting a few seconds and only 100 cases generally per year it should be a threat level red at best due to low casualties.

other than that everything seems to be good. It flows well and I could tell it has a lot of heart behind it.

Re: Occulens Rays by War Time BuckleyWar Time Buckley, 16 Feb 2019 06:38

Thought this piece may do well to introduce disgruntled Warders as a concept. Nobody can agree on everything. Broadcast tab

A Revelatory Broadcast by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 15 Feb 2019 22:36

Another weird aberration, the Occulens Rays. Just an unnatural phenomenon that I think would look cool on the site. Give me your thoughts!

Occulens Rays tab

Occulens Rays by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 15 Feb 2019 22:33

My bad chrome, I missed a few errors even on my last run-through crit of the article so I'll place this here. Apologies.

Thanks.

by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 14 Feb 2019 10:21
Lotus Charms by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 11 Feb 2019 00:46

This is my first Aberration on the Wayward society, and I hope that I can make more high quality articles in the future.

Author Post by google_chromegoogle_chrome, 10 Feb 2019 22:28

There really isn't much to say, it isn't bad by any means. But it feels a bit bland, mainly because there isn't much conflict in the article. However, it does a wonderful job at referencing other articles. Which is nice to see.

I didn't see anything grammar wise that caught my attention.

Otherwise well done.

Re: Lotus Charms by google_chromegoogle_chrome, 10 Feb 2019 21:52
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