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YossiLeinerYossiLeiner 19 Apr 2019 19:36
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Fleshoes

I'm sorry, but I didn't like this article much. It didn't evoke any emotional response in me whatsoever. Perhaps mainly for the reason that all these shoes are "in the wild" and not actually in our homes, which I think would have been a lot more terrifying if done correctly. Two stars from me.

by YossiLeinerYossiLeiner, 19 Apr 2019 19:36
Aberration - Fleshoes by PilzeningPilzening, 19 Apr 2019 16:06
PilzeningPilzening 19 Apr 2019 16:02
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Fleshoes

Second article, different, for me unfamiliar style. Let's see how it'll do.

The breathtaking art piece used as a picture in this article has been created by yours truly, as should be obvious by its impeccable design.

Thanks to the following peeps for critiquing the draft:
SonKingKongSonKingKong
Creak Cronk CrunkCreak Cronk Crunk
LaneousLaneous

by PilzeningPilzening, 19 Apr 2019 16:02

Thank you very much for looking at this. I'll fix the issues in a moment, but first:

This entire paragraph belongs in hunting and procurement procedures methinks.

Maybe, however, it mentions the teeth and the efficiency (potency? Whatever the term is) of the Shoes, which hasn't been done before, so I included it here. It's just a general safety measure thrown in, and not really related to hunting.

Also, why did the tape cut suddenly?

She's not good with cameras and had already captured the relevant information. I'm still iffy on the dialogue, because mine's usually godawful, but if you like it, it can't be too bad.

I enjoyed these last few parts, though I question the sanity of the man who tried to keep one.

The lady from the Encounter Log is the narrator here, actually. I'll try to make it more obvious.

Re: Fleshoes by PilzeningPilzening, 18 Apr 2019 21:47
Re: Corpsefeathers by Creak Cronk CrunkCreak Cronk Crunk, 18 Apr 2019 21:45

Thanks a bunch, I'll fix it this instant.

Re: Fleshoes by PilzeningPilzening, 18 Apr 2019 21:39
Re: Fleshoes by Creak Cronk CrunkCreak Cronk Crunk, 18 Apr 2019 21:06

While the rambly nature of the narrator can be endearing, they seem a little too fixated on the word shoe in the beginning.

Their mouths are in that hole in which you usually put your foot in, and they have lots of tiny, razor-sharp teeth in there.

Despite the disjointed nature of the author's thought processes, I think can sentences could be cut down somewhat. Like instead of writing "hole in which you usually put your foot in" the narrator could just say "opening hole of the shoe"

Don't put anything from yourself into their mouths, unless you want to lose a finger or toe for some reason.

"Anything from yourself" bit odd phrasing innit? Simplify "Don't stick or a finger or anything you want to lose in their mouths" would achieve the same effect.

One time, I tried to keep one as a pet. It was small, like child-size, and part of some group behind the dumpsters of a Walmart.

"Small, like child-size" again phrasing. "Small, child-sized, and part…" could be a fix.

There may be some more wording things like this, that I hope others can catch. This is the only present issue I haved with parts of the writing, is how the information is worded. On closing thoughts, I think it's a quirky aberrant, which is a good thing. The narrator sounds a bit loony.

Re: Fleshoes by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 18 Apr 2019 20:54

Reminder that posting is now open.

Not to ruin the mood, but if no one does anything for this, I won't be disappointed. Like I said, this is partly a litmus test to see if we have enough active writers for an official contest.

Staff note here. Please collapse your posts on the crit forum if they are long. - Dev

Re: Corpsefeathers by Hot SpringsHot Springs, 18 Apr 2019 13:26

Staff note here. If you are going to make these very long posts, consider collapsing them, please.

Re: Hidden and Revealed by Hot SpringsHot Springs, 18 Apr 2019 12:54
Re: Hidden and Revealed by PilzeningPilzening, 18 Apr 2019 10:17

Redone. Rewrote all of the intro, and did minor fixes in the second portion. :V)

link

Re: Hidden and Revealed by SonKingKongSonKingKong, 18 Apr 2019 06:46

Sorry for the metaphorical ping pong game we've been playing with the categorization, but now that I've read this fully, I think I can finally say for sure that these are Evergreens, due to their regenerative abilities and resistance to various forms of damage.

While reading, I found myself confused at a few different points, and I'll explain them here.

Corpsefeathers are a bit of a general name given to a bunch of different types of birds found around the Appalachian Mountains, though nowadays they’re found pretty much everywhere the Society operates.

What does "pretty much everywhere the Society operates" mean? The whole of North America? Later on in the Location section you say that they can only be reliably found in the states surrounding the Appalachian Mountains.

They can only really be hurt by blunt force, which crushes up their bones and makes them fall apart. Their bones naturally come back together, and if they can they’ll try to run away after being hit. They’re real fragile too, so try to be careful unless you’re trying to destroy one. If you don’t break all the bones, all the broken ones will come back the next morning like nothing happened. The broken bones will still be nearby, and new ones will replace them.

This segment is kinda messily written, possibly because of the organization. I'm just… not understanding this. The description of the conditions under which bones regenerate isn't clear enough, and it seems to be because of the simple writing style used throughout the article. If you have to say it in plain terms - how would a Warder know one of these things would survive after being hit point blank by a sledgehammer?

Not a whole lot is known about how these things came to be. All we know is what we were told by a man who’s evidently been tending to these things for years. He says there’s certain parts of forests that, when you take the egg of a bird into, it transforms the egg into a corpsefeather egg.

This segment has two problems. First of all, who exactly is this man and why is a secret society trusting him? We don't even get a name, much less a profession. If these birds are relatively common throughout Appalachia, why is he the only one who has any knowledge of them? Secondly, I thought it was stated in the second paragraph of the Description that some sort of force creates the birds. Why are eggs coming into play now? If that was the intent from the beginning, be more careful with words like "makes" and "creates".

After that, you can just carry it or put it in your pocket if it’s small enough. Take it to a sanctuary or back to one of its forests. If you really want to keep the critter you just caught, you’ll have to go through the same adoption process as usual. After that, you can just use small animals to train it, which can be done in a week or two if you’re good.

The Wayward Society is a pretty loose organization, and while having an adoption process for aberrants makes sense, what sort of administrative force would exist to stop people from taking however many birds they want? While, yes, I imagine the majority of Warders would be honest, I think there needs to be more of an incentive here. Perhaps certain Data Collection Centers offer a training program, so no one accidentally beheads their own bird every hour.


Now that's all out of the way, I want to talk about the concept. It's definitely a great one, don't get me wrong, but I feel like it could be explored more. The Encounter Records and Additional Notes feel…. kinda cheap. I want to know more about how the Warders interact with these birds. I want to know how Warders and Rangers can expect to use them after the adoption process. You mentioned in the Description that the birds can be used to find corpses, which is such a brilliant idea but it's never mentioned again after that line. There's a lot of room here for expansion and I'd love to see a solid reason why Warders collect so many corpsefeathers.

Re: Corpsefeathers by WydnessWydness, 18 Apr 2019 00:39
Fleshoes by PilzeningPilzening, 17 Apr 2019 21:33

The first paragraph is the writer reminiscing about their last experience at an arcade, it's meant to be an intro paragraph to the rest of the article, and isn't talking about the actual Quarterville Arcade. I'll try to make that more obvious.

Otherwise, I'm going to go through and try to rewrite most of this based off of this, thank you!

Re: Polybius by LaneousLaneous, 17 Apr 2019 18:37

A dark ritual has been cast. New eyes glance towards this work now. Perhaps once the only voices calling out were heard from the sandbox, but now, the sandbox lies mute.

Re: Polybius by EskobarEskobar, 17 Apr 2019 18:02

Okay. With this I will try to be in-depth. Still developing as a critter atm, but we have a lack of those so I will step in.

Re: Polybius by Creak Cronk CrunkCreak Cronk Crunk, 17 Apr 2019 16:38
EskobarEskobar 16 Apr 2019 22:12
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Bang Fish

It's interesting. The previous complaints about the theorizing, rather than the specifying, seem valid, though I by no means think the tone is impossible or unrealistic; it just doesn't add much or anything to the story proper. I'll give it four stars as an object that just fits well in the catalog.

by EskobarEskobar, 16 Apr 2019 22:12
EskobarEskobar 16 Apr 2019 22:07
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » Axehandle Hound

Works perfectly as an aberration and it's fucking adorable. I want three. Five stars.

by EskobarEskobar, 16 Apr 2019 22:07
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